Don’t take the red pills with Trump’s face on them!

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. Happy birthday to Declassified, which is turning seven (the same length as an EU budget, and just as difficult to understand). The Venn diagram of Dutch people who take drugs before going clubbing and supporters of Donald Trump is presumably just two separate circles. And yet, some drug dealers have been making ecstasy tablets shaped like the face of the U.S. president (if he were playing the role of an alien in a very early episode of Star Trek. Never mind Breaking Bad, this is Breaking Bad Design). Anyway, a Dutch drug institute has warned that the pills are potentially lethal and should not be taken “under any circumstances.” Of course, Trump famously doesn’t drink, let alone take drugs. His body is a temple (albeit a temple that’s been turned into a McDonald’s). As political leaders change, so does the branding drug dealers use. Trump-shaped ecstasy tablets were first seized by authorities in 2017. Before that, Barack Obama’s visage was often used on illegal drugs. Former President Joe Biden was less popular. He did, after all, once try to ban raves, which wouldn’t have gone down well with the ravers who take ecstasy. Trump’s face isn’t just on narcotics. This week, the U.S. Mint announced that $1 coins bearing his — rather stern, it must be said — face are in circulation to commemorate the nation’s 250th anniversary (they cost $61, in case you’d forgotten there’s a cost-of-living crisis going on). It’s the first time a living person has appeared on U.S. currency since 1866, when Spencer Clark, who headed the National Currency Bureau, put his own face on a note in what can only be described as a ballsy move — the 19th-century equivalent of those TV adverts featuring the owner of the company. But however many items Trump gets his face on, legal or otherwise, he has a long way to go before he gets to the level of name recognition enjoyed by French diplomat Jean Nicot de Villemain, who introduced smoking to France (which means he’s basically their national hero). The Nicotiana plant was named in his honor, and it’s from that we get the word nicotine. Nick O’Teen, incidentally, was the name of a supervillain who battled against Superman in the 1980s, and was also the face of a British anti-smoking campaign. CAPTION COMPETITION “Who the hell is this guy, and why does he keep banging on about The Smiths?” Can you do better? Email us at pdallison@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope. Last time, we gave you this photo: Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze. “And you say trained soldiers can throw this more than 100 metres?” by Gregor Pozniak