Football and politics, brought to you by Big Business (and energy drinks)

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. The unfortunate among you may have seen the movie “United Passions,” a biopic about world football’s governing body FIFA, and a film so bad that the Guardian reviewed it thusly: “As cinema it is excrement.” “United Passions” focuses on a series of FIFA presidents, up to and including Sepp Blatter — a man not so much tainted by accusations of corruption as tattooed with them. And yet, Blatter is very much the George W. Bush to current FIFA head Gianni Infantino’s Donald Trump. In “United Passions” — which really should have been called “Balls” — Blatter is played by Tim Roth, a fine actor who admitted he took the role to pay for his kids to go to college. If the movie was, heaven help us, ever updated to include Infantino’s tenure, surely the role would go to either Stanley Tucci or the ghost of late Wagner mercenary chief Yevgeny Prigozhin. Infantino has, you will doubtless be aware, decided to sell football off to the highest bidder, with FIFA publishing a proposal that would privatize the World Cup’s commercial operations. A venture capital firm headed by Josh Kushner, brother of Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner, is lined up as the lead investor in the proposed deal. Of course it is. The scheme is known as FIFA Forward Enterprise or FFE — although FFS seems rather more appropriate. I, for one, am looking forward to the Raytheon World Cup of 2038 in South Sudan, where the 18-karat gold trophy depicting two human figures holding up the Earth is replaced by a cheap plastic bobblehead of Trump with his pants around his ankles. But not everyone is so keen on Infantino’s plan. Glenn Micallef, the EU’s sports commissioner, pointed out that football “isn’t baseball,” which is very perceptive of him. It’s also not cross-country skiing, knitting or a cauliflower. Micallef’s point is, of course, that football hasn’t — and shouldn’t — reach the level of commercialization of American sports, although it had a damn good go during this summer’s World Cup with the introduction of hydration breaks sponsored by Powerade. But the further monetization of sports feels inevitable; it is entertainment, after all. Will politics go the same way? When, for example, will we see EU summits sponsored by Red Bull, the European Commission midday briefing brought to you by Xanax, or Germany sponsored by sausages in a glass jar? CAPTION COMPETITION “Let’s cut to the chase, Volodymyr. How do you stop your black shirts from fading?” Can you do better? Email us at pdallison@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope. Last time, we gave you this photo: Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze. “We’ll be needing a copy of The NATO Statute For Dummies.” by Ruth Oppenheimer